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Amy reports, #3
Been a while! Too long, again. But no excuses this time. I’m just unaccountable.
• I’m sometimes asked — by my booze-averse cousins as well as breathing folks — why I drink alcoholic beverages, since they don’t affect me in any way. Well, I swill booze because it does affect me! I.e., I just like the taste and aroma of various whiskies, OK? Don’t mind good cognac or fine wines, either.
There’s also the practical, social aspect. When I’m out for the evening trying to make new breather friends — fellas who don’t yet know what kind of crrreaturrre I am — having a few drinks helps me blend in. No need to belabor that, I guess.
Of course that other thing, the red stuff, is by far my favorite beverage. As well as necessary. Unlike alcohol, it can be a little intoxicating if we’re not careful.
• Another question I get is, Are we all rich? Generally, the older we are, the wealthier we are, assuming we’re not wild and heedless spenders. Make sense? But since governments can turn confiscatory, or just destructive, we always have to keep an eye on politics (yuck), make friends with politicians (double yuck), and try to keep our wealth as mobile as possible. Vamps who once lived in the Russian Empire, China, or certain other revolution-prone places know what I’m talking about when it comes to moveable wealth. Nowadays it seems we’re running out of places to run to — don’t get me started!
According to Forbes in 2021, “The world’s total net wealth has hit
$431 trillion, nearly half a quadrillion dollars, and over a quarter of it is controlled by millionaires.” Millionaires and billionaires, that is. Our people in Zürich and Singapore estimate that the world’s 13,000 registered vampires, altogether, have about$2.8 trillion. Look, that’s only0.66 percent of the world total, so ... nothing to worry about, right?(This is no big secret, but I may as well mention it anyway: Gold is good.)
So what about vampires who are poor? Assuming they’re not that wild and heedless variety, our poor folk tend to be found among the freshly risen. Normally they’re taken under someone’s wing for a while. (Metaphor! We do not actually have wings!) A new vamp who’s got anything on the ball can get a loan on easy terms from one of us moneybags — or maybe even a substantial gift — as well as a boatload of advice. Some young vamps go to work as functionaries for the Zürich or Singapore council, but not many of those positions are available.
Isolated, unregistered vamps without money or knowledge of our community just wander about, doing what they think they’ve got to do. Until they’re stopped. There aren’t many of them, but even so they’re very bad for our reputation.
• No one’s asked me this, but I’m going to answer it anyway: Are all vampires good-looking?
Frankly, a lot of us are. As I’ve mentioned before, I certainly am! When we rise, we find that any flaws or disabilities have disappeared. If we were overweight, we’re slim. If we were underweight, we’ve bulked up. We just look healthy (though pale, of course). We appear to be in our early 20s, and we maintain that by drinking that red stuff I mentioned. (Duh!)
But it goes beyond that. We just tend to look better than we ever did in first life. Now, looking good helps us survive. It helps us make friends with breathing people, or at least ... speaking plainly, here ... seduce them. (We’ll see whether that last thing makes it into print.) But our attractiveness can’t be a result of evolution, since we can’t reproduce. Religious people among us say God designed us this way, to help us survive and fulfill a divine plan. Some breathers who know about us and hate us say the Devil designed us. I don’t have an explanation of my own. The first explanation there puzzles me — what plan? — and the second one makes me mad!
• Here’s a weird question you’d probably never think of: Since we’re such good actors and deceivers, can we pass a polygraph test?
No!
According to Wikipedia, the four main things that polygraph machines test for are respiration, pulse, blood pressure, and skin conductivity.
The respiration part, we can handle. We can breathe at whatever rate is desired.
Pulse and blood pressure are a real problem, though. My resting heart rate is about six beats a minute, which seems to be about average for us vamps. Our blood pressure is also unbelievably low. I don’t know why our veins and arteries don’t collapse. (Does that happen?) I guess I’ll have to fall back on the good old explanation that really explains nothing: We’re paranormal!
I don’t know anything about the fourth thing, skin conductivity, and I’m not going to google. But I’m sure it would show up as wacky, too.
You can see why we would seek to avoid a polygraph test. Actually, we do our best to steer clear of any problematic involvement with officialdom, and if necessary we’ll spend a lot of dough to avoid it.
That’s all for this installment, fans & friends. Don’t be afraid to ask me anything! (Except for things like, How often do you receive your orders from Satan, you spawn of Hell?) Of course, I may or may not answer. Or be allowed to answer.
Amy the unreliable and easily distracted.
January 11, 2023
Like all other installments in this series, this is a work of fiction, based on characters in the novel Chaos and Old Night.
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